The TMI Post

Oh boy…

I’ve really been hesitant to do this post. Poop and butt stuff tend to be taboo in general, but what I’m about to dive into is extremely icky and personal. But it was bound to happen eventually.

If you do not want to get to know me on a whole new level, this post is probably one you want to skip. I’ll write something a little less disgusting next time.

And for the future employers, former teachers, close friends, and distant acquaintances that choose to continue reading: Hi! You’re about to know me better than I ever expected!

I’m going to tell you about my colonoscopy.

Getting a colonoscopy was something I knew would happen eventually, but since it typically happens well into adulthood it was something that never crossed my mind.

When I started seeing the doctor that would eventually give me my diagnosis, he was the first doctor who wanted to run tests on me considering a 19 year old girl should not be having explosive diarrhea anytime she eats something.

I remember him going through the testing options: blood tests, endoscopy, colonoscopy.

When he let the word “colonoscopy” slip out of his mouth, I distinctly remember looking at him with pleading eyes, begging him to avoid sticking a camera up my butt. He understood, and truthfully I assumed he didn’t want to stick a camera up my butt either. Like, I know it’s his job, but I can’t imagine anyone being ecstatic about doing that to someone. It’s not like the doctor will be having a fun time either.

So my doctor and I agreed to hold off on the colonoscopy as long as possible.

About a year later, I had come to accept the fact that I would be getting one. Hooray.

Let me tell you now, the prep for a colonoscopy is harder than the actual colonoscopy. It started off with four days of eating food with little to no fiber. I had no idea how many of my favorite foods had fiber in it. The first night my Nana was sweet enough to make french toast for my boyfriend and I, as that was one of the few foods I was allowed to eat. This part of the prep was annoying, but overall pretty bearable.

The day before the procedure is when things start to get interesting.

The day before is a clear liquids diet (with the exception of jello). I first have to say that I hadn’t eaten Jello in who knows how long, so I have completely forgotten that it literally feels like you’re slurping down boogers (shout out to my mom for getting green jello, it really added to the mucus effect). I was pretty hungry that day, so I just chugged a lot of liquids to convince myself I was full.

That evening was when the party really started.

I first had to drink 10 ounces of a liquid that tasted like stale Mountain Dew. Apparently it was a muscle relaxer that makes the Laxative work better (I’m not a doctor, so bear with me on the medical facts). This stuff made me feel really nauseous, though it probably didn’t help that I chugged it in less than two minutes.

Then about an hour later it was time to start drinking the laxative. I had to drink 12, 8 ounce glasses every 15-20 minutes. I remember it tasting like lemon cake-flavored water, and not in a good way.

I’ll be honest, I got a little cocky during this process. When I first drank the glass, I sat there for five minutes without feeling anything. So I drank another glass. Again, about five minutes pass and still nothing has happened. So I go and chug the third glass.

Holy shit.

About halfway through the third glass it hit me, and it hit me hard. I awkwardly waddled to the bathroom that was 3 feet away just praying to God I wouldn’t crap myself. Thankfully I made it to the toilet. It was a lot of stuff that came out of me, and I was stunned considering I still had 9 glasses to go, how could so much be inside of me??

I continued this process throughout the night. And while I was having some intense bowel movements (which I was warned about), this experience wasn’t as intense as some of my flareups had been. That genuinely put into perspective how sick my body was.

Around 10:00 that night I finished the 12th glass. Unfortunately, I was up crapping until midnight. Then I got to wake up at 4:00 in the morning to have 4 more glasses. At that point there wasn’t much in me, so the drink was literally going right through me.

After finishing the final glass I had a couple hours to rest before it was time to get to my appointment. I distinctly remember being extremely cold. I was shivering even though I was in a giant hoodie and had about four or five blankets on me. I later learned that it’s pretty common since my body is so dehydrated. After my brief nap it was time to head out.

When we got there, the age difference between me and the other patients was the first thing I noticed. It definitely felt weird being the youngest patient there by a long shot.

They eventually called my name and took me into the room with all the other colonoscopy patients. One side of the room was for those getting ready to have the camera go up their butt, and the other side of the room was for those who had just had the camera removed from their butt.

As the nurses were prepping me, a lot of emotions were going through my head; I was nervous, I was exhausted, and I was starving. I all the sudden started thinking about mozzarella sticks, and that was the breaking point. I just started sobbing. My mom was confused, the nurses were confused, and I was confused. I couldn’t verbalize what was wrong because I didn’t know what was wrong. I remember the interaction that eventually calmed me down:

Nurse: “Is she okay?”

Mom: “Yeah, she’s just tired and hungry.”

Nurse: “I feel that.”

Even though this nurse was not going through the experience I was going through, that validation was enough to calm me down.

Eventually it was my turn to go into the procedure room. I was wheeled in on the bed, and as soon as we made it through the doorway they started hooking me up to a bunch of machines and were getting everything set up.

The next part of this story is a bit fuzzy for me, as I was put on some very strong drugs.

I remember them telling me to count down from ten as they were administering the drugs to calm me down. I think I got to eight.

Now, before the day of the procedure people were telling me that I probably wouldn’t wake up, and if I did I wouldn’t remember.

Well guess what. I woke up. And I remember.

I remember looking up at the screen where I could see inside me. That was a very out of body experience (literally). I also had the unfortunate timing of waking up while he was taking biopsies. Those meds may make you feel tired, but they don’t eliminate the pain. And boy do biopsies hurt.

The next thing I remember was waking up to my mom being by my bed. According to her I was awake before she was even in the room. Go figure.

Now I’m first going to tell you the post-colonoscopy experience from my point of view, then I will tell you my mom’s experience.

I remember being pretty quiet for the most part. When the nurse asked if I wanted water or apple juice, I said water. She brought me apple juice. Then I remember telling my mom a couple of times about the fact that I woke up during the procedure, and her not being as shocked and excited about this as I was. I remember farting a lot and mentioning to my mom how I felt like a balloon deflating. Then my doctor came in and told us what he had found (spoiler: he found Crohn’s), and my mom then asking how I did on my cleanse, which I found to be peculiar timing to ask that question.

Now this is what my mom recalls happening. She said I wouldn’t shut up the entire time. According to her I brought up waking up in the middle of the procedure about 7 or 8 times, and had said that I didn’t look at the screen (even though I vividly remember seeing the screen). I chugged the apple juice in about two chugs, and mentioned on multiple occasions how I felt like a deflating balloon. I then told my mom to ask my doctor if I got an A on my cleanse (I will always be a teacher’s pet).

The next thing I remember is sitting on my couch crying because my dog Mocha did something cute. I also remember eating some Panda Express. That’s about it.

I usually try to do some motivational or serious ending to these posts, but there really isn’t much to say on this. It was a weird experience, and I get to do it annually for the rest of my life.

If you have some health issues going on that need a closer look, just swallow your pride and book a colonoscopy. You shouldn’t be embarrassed by it, and it could save your life.

Plus you’ll get some funny stories out of it.